weightfighter

Ok - so I have been doing different things to deal with my blood pressure. I doubled the norvasc as the PAC wanted. I stopped taking the tenuate (the PAC really did not want me to do that) but that is the only “new” thing that should account for the pressure increase. Stopping the tenuate (appetite suppressant) I think was a smart and stupid thing. First off, I did this without thinking about what time of the month I was heading into. So on top of fighting hunger a little bit (not alot, I have adjusted well to that), I went through the typically cravings and did not realize why initially. And on top of it, I gave into most of the cravings. I did not blow things out of the water too bad most of the week - staying between 1400-1600 calories during the work week. Yesterday, however, I just fell off the wagon. I went to lunch with a friend who came up for the weekend. I did not do badly at lunch, but after lunch, we realized the alternator of my car was going bad. So, I drove the car to my in-laws house so my husband could replace it. This was 5 pm (we had seen a movie after lunch). The change should have only been one hour - and it became 6 hours. We were starving and had to eat what was there to tide us over (Oatmeal cookies with cream filling and chips). Finally we got dinner, and we ordered the chip basket with a beer. My entree was half of a bison burger and a side of veggies so I was not horrible, but I definitely went above the 2000 mark.

So now, I start again. Today is a new day, right. The only thing we can do is look back at the errors we made and use those decisions to make better decisions in the future. That is easier said then done, but at least it is a start. I started breakfast this morning with a veggie omelet and a side of fruit (350 calories).  Lunch will be my other half of the bison burger with steamed veggies.

Other news, I go to my family physician tomorrow to figure out the issue with my blood pressure since it is still up. It is frustrating since research says, that if there is any change to my blood pressure, it should be going down with the 38 pounds I have lost since May, not up.  So, until we know what that is all about, I am going to start looking up information and tips on staying on track even with the holidays and all those sugary and calorie loaded parties and activities coming. As I get information, I will share it….

Today was an off day. I was in a funky mood most of the day and just sad. Knowing I am an emotional eater, I have to watch what I eat even more closely on these types of days. On my way home from work, the thought of cooking just bothered me. I wanted to stop and get something horrible for me - McDonalds Fries, cheese burger, etc. I didn’t, but I could almost taste it. It has been a little more then a month since I have had any kind of fast food so I know it would kill my stomach if I did, the grease alone. But just that thought of not having something is making the temptation almost unbearable.

I have not written in the diary much this week. The week has gone smoothly overall, but I have had emotional and stressful moments as work where I have struggled to deal with my emotions in other ways then eating. This is huge challenge. I have had to look at myself, how I respond to stress and emotions, how I handle every day situations. It has been an eye opening experience that I am sure I am not done with. My mood is very depressed at points, where other people including my staff and co-workers can see that I am sad. My visible emotions create an almost paradox as I hate to show my “bad” emotions to others. For me, it makes it seems I am weak and not in control of myself and I hate that feeling. I am working through it, but I still have desires to eat foods that are not good for me when I am not feeling well.

Yesterday I went to Carowinds with my sister and youngest niece. I did not eat horribly, but I also did not eat well. I did have around my calorie count. I did not have enough water. Today I woke up with headaches, cravings, and withdrawal symptoms. I have fought these symptoms all day. In addition, I woke up too late to take my appetite suppressant, so I am starving along with the cravings. It is frustrating, but I also know it is a matter of getting back into a pattern. Getting back on that bike and that is what I am doing.

Here is a recipe I made for dinner:

Vegetable Sautee For Tonight’s Dinner

½ Tablespoon Olive Oil – 60 Cal

3 Crushed Garlic Cloves – 5 Cal

1 Large Zucchini – 52 Cal

2 Med-Large Yellow Squash – 104 Cal

½ Large Red Onion – 52 Cal

½ Cups Green Beans – 90 Cal

            Total: 363 For 4 Servings

            Calories/Serving (1 Cup) = 92

Today was a bad day emotionally. Little things were setting me off. During the afternoon, I was extremely upset about some events of the day and hungry because of the insanity that became my lunch. I chose a Nutter Butter Bar for a snack after looking at my calorie count. I was originally going to eat both bars, but as I was eating the second bar, I realized that I was not eating just for hunger, but for emotions. I threw the second half of the second Nutter Butter Bar out. It was a difficult realization. I knew I ate to satisfy emotions, but not to the extent that I actually did. Food is my comfort when I am bored, upset, sad, anger, everything! During the rest of the night, I fought the urge to eat more junk food as I grew more restless and irritated as I was not satisfying the urge that I was use to satisfying in the past.

I went through and created a menu for this week. Hopefully I will stick to it. The evening was rough. I thought I was over the cravings, but I was not. I struggled not to eat a second 100 calorie Klondike bar. It was extremely difficult. I could not fall asleep for two hours as I fought the craving.

Today was a tough day. I gave into the temptation of the nutty butter bar in the refridgerator at work. I only had one of the two bars, but still, I felt so upset with myself over eating that one bite.

My withdrawal symptoms have gotten a little worse. They are not debilitating, but annoying and constant. I eat a normal, healthy meal, and I feel the positive energy from that. However, I fall somewhat soon after that. I have a headache off and on. I have been exhausted and have had a hard time concentrating. I finally looked up information about withdrawals and diets. Sugar withdrawals are real. Finally, I am not going crazy. I did not know that sugar withdrawals were similar to alcohol or nicotine withdrawals; but that is how my body is reacting. Concentration on work, school, anything is difficult. Everything I see says it will last for one to three weeks, but still the insanity of that is mind crippling itself.

To satisfy the cravings, I have turned to the sugarless mixes such as crystal light, sugar free fudgesicle. I have tried to avoid temptations – I will not go pick up fast food for my husband and I will leave the room when he is eating tempting food. However mundane things like watching TV or looking on the internet. Commercials or internet ads for Sonic, Pizza Hut, McDonalds, Bryer’s, or whatever other food commercial there is al it takes to set off a temptation or craving.

In addition to having no energy and going through withdrawals, I ate over my 1400 calorie mark. I ate 1557 calories, which is not too bad, but still, the realization of that mixed with my withdrawals make me want comfort food. I know this is a desire from the emotions, not a need, but that does not make that fight any easier. Just have to remember that this will end – and it will be worth it!